Lost. | avidofpathology's Blog

I sometimes have a moment where I want nothing at all.

I don't want to feel, hear, see, or do anything. I want the world to stop. I want my life's capacity to be temporarily full. I don't want to move on with school. Get married. Grow up. ...Nothing. During this, I wish I could just exist in a realm where everything is still, and I don't have to worry about a thing. A place where I can gather my thoughts and return to reality when I feel I am able to handle this crazy world again. A place where no one is there but myself; my own worst enemy.

In this place, I tango with myself and truly learn what it is that makes me so unhappy during this time of wanting nothing. Or why I long for this nothingness at all. It's not even a thought of suicide that drives it. It's a sense of doing anything to escape the stress, the heartache, the ignorance - just for a moment. All of which created because of my inability to accept the fact that I need to wake up.. To listen to myself again. Start realizing that this isn't working. My way of "living" will be the death of me, I know this. But do I? Why haven't I done anything about it yet?

I can sit here and write for hours about how dumb I've been. How utterly immature and selfish I've been to the people who care about me the most. Robbing them of their desire to be the wonderful person they are to me. I could write for hours, but I can't do that anymore. 

I have got to find a way to wake myself up.